Flipping the Switch

There are some days when you think that all is well with the world, and what little there is that isn't working can simply be cured by a snooze in front of the TV. And then there are days when you wake up from that dozey state and the world just looks wrong.

Last night was one of those days.

I racked my brain trying to figure out why I woke up being hyper-critical of my children's action (when they truly hadn't been doing anything wrong), and why I was still extremely moody this morning when I noticed the date at the top of the newspaper: August 20th.

7 years ago, we dropped Kathryn off at her first full day of kindergarten. Then we drove to Baylor Medical Center to start the first round of my chemotherapy.

I truly thought I had addressed these emotional connections with this date through all of my various means of mental/emotional/energy/psychological work, but here I am, tears streaming down my face, emotions on my sleeve, intestines in my throat...that same heart-pounding fear coursing through my veins as if I were going to make that drive and get The Red Devil (Adriamycin) pumped into me.

I feel like a failure for allowing this to happen. AGAIN. And yet, I know that I'm not, since I'm aware enough to make this connection. And the more I allow these emotions to flow through me, the calmer I am about knowing that they won't get stuck somewhere in my tissues. I've had a great deal of pain and discomfort in my upper back area, so much so that my left hand and fingers will occasionally tingle with that pinched-nerve feeling. I haven't made time for a massage or chiropractor, so it will have to wait until Saturday, but in the meantime, I checked out my trusty "Heal Your Body" book by Louise Hay. This connects physical ailments with the metaphysical and emotional connections to them. Here's what it says about 5-T, the vertebrae where the tightness & pain begins:

Refusing to process the emotions. Dammed-up feelings, rage.

I have to accept the fact that I'm not the one controlling anything. Yes, I have great influence on how I react to situations and events, but not on the actual events. Even my own emotions are tossed around like a toy boat in a bathtub when the turbulence of deeply buried feelings bubble up from below. I guess a dam burst last night, and it's leaking out through my eyes.

The affirmation that accompanies this is also a good one to live by:

I let life flow through me. I am willing to live. All is well.

I've lost 2 people close to my own age lately from cancer, and yesterday another dear person asked me about a pea-sized lump that seems to be attached to her ribcage. She has 3 young children, and a family history to boot. You bet that unnerved me. I don't want anyone to have to deal with what I did, but at the same time, I'm powerless to stop it.

I let life flow through me. I am willing to live. All is well.