Thursday, August 20, 2009

Flipping the Switch

There are some days when you think that all is well with the world, and what little there is that isn't working can simply be cured by a snooze in front of the TV. And then there are days when you wake up from that dozey state and the world just looks wrong.

Last night was one of those days.

I racked my brain trying to figure out why I woke up being hyper-critical of my children's action (when they truly hadn't been doing anything wrong), and why I was still extremely moody this morning when I noticed the date at the top of the newspaper: August 20th.

7 years ago, we dropped Kathryn off at her first full day of kindergarten. Then we drove to Baylor Medical Center to start the first round of my chemotherapy.

I truly thought I had addressed these emotional connections with this date through all of my various means of mental/emotional/energy/psychological work, but here I am, tears streaming down my face, emotions on my sleeve, intestines in my throat...that same heart-pounding fear coursing through my veins as if I were going to make that drive and get The Red Devil (Adriamycin) pumped into me.

I feel like a failure for allowing this to happen. AGAIN. And yet, I know that I'm not, since I'm aware enough to make this connection. And the more I allow these emotions to flow through me, the calmer I am about knowing that they won't get stuck somewhere in my tissues. I've had a great deal of pain and discomfort in my upper back area, so much so that my left hand and fingers will occasionally tingle with that pinched-nerve feeling. I haven't made time for a massage or chiropractor, so it will have to wait until Saturday, but in the meantime, I checked out my trusty "Heal Your Body" book by Louise Hay. This connects physical ailments with the metaphysical and emotional connections to them. Here's what it says about 5-T, the vertebrae where the tightness & pain begins:

Refusing to process the emotions. Dammed-up feelings, rage.

I have to accept the fact that I'm not the one controlling anything. Yes, I have great influence on how I react to situations and events, but not on the actual events. Even my own emotions are tossed around like a toy boat in a bathtub when the turbulence of deeply buried feelings bubble up from below. I guess a dam burst last night, and it's leaking out through my eyes.

The affirmation that accompanies this is also a good one to live by:

I let life flow through me. I am willing to live. All is well.

I've lost 2 people close to my own age lately from cancer, and yesterday another dear person asked me about a pea-sized lump that seems to be attached to her ribcage. She has 3 young children, and a family history to boot. You bet that unnerved me. I don't want anyone to have to deal with what I did, but at the same time, I'm powerless to stop it.

I let life flow through me. I am willing to live. All is well.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Time for Tomatoes!

At long last, I have a garden! A real one, with actual soil, not the clay stuff that came with the house. Raised beds, lovingly built by my adorable husband and filled with the black gold by the same sweet man and my increasingly buff son.

And then it sat.

And sat.

And sat.

The soil's organic matter decomposed, leaving the beds only half full. Grass began to peek around the edges of the 2x8x10 boards and tickled my feet when I walked on the pavestones placed in between the 2 large beds. My men began to fear that all of their hard work was for naught.

However, today I finally did something with them. 6 more bags of topsoil and 22 plants later, I have some green stuff sprouting from them! Because of the late date, I focused one bed on strictly ornamental flowering plants - annuals, since next spring that bed will be providing all sorts of yummy veggies. The other bed had 4 tomato plants that the greenhouse assured me would have time to produce some fruit. I also planted more basil, parsley, dill, sage, and a couple of interesting-looking pepper plants. I've never tried a fall garden, so am really looking forward to seeing how things grow. Now the next step is to get something in the corner of the yard that is also very barren. I've relocated our former patio table and chairs there, and soon will have some color to surround it. Let's just hope it won't be next year!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I feel LUCKY!!!

No, not the type of Dirty Harry "Do you feel lucky, punk?" lucky...the kind of lucky that makes one buy a lottery ticket. Even if the winning numbers are on someone else's piece of paper, it was the kind of day that made me realize what joy is out there in the world.

3 Yatzees in a single game. A 45-minute commute to downtown Dallas during morning rush hour. A shopping trip without a single argument.

Yep. It just doesn't get any better than that. Gotta love days like this! Never mind what tomorrow has in store, either. I'm embracing this feeling and lovin' every minute of it!