Ego's velvet handcuffs...

Some days, ego is harder to rein in than others. It's especially meddlesome when you see it happening, feel the physical effects of it, and yet the Soul is still trapped by the velvet confines of comfort and is unable to redirect. However, just by becoming aware of the duality of our nature, the jailer slowly moves to hand over the keys and allows our true selves to break free...

Valentine's Day is just one of those days that seems to bring out the worst in people. Many feel obligated by the commercialization of it to buy things that they don't think about or need, and others actively distance themselves by proclaiming it a "waste of time and money". I swing both ways, unfortunately, which makes it a challenge to stay centered. While we had a relatively blissful evening filled with a lovely shared meal, notes of gratitude in our homemade Valentine bags, and treats for the kids, I couldn't help but wonder if I would get some special little surprise. My husband's firmly in the latter category, and so for the past 20 years, the holiday was largely ignored other than some festivities geared towards the children and the occasional bundle of flowers that I would buy for myself.

If only my damned ego would have kept quiet, it would have been a perfect day.

After all, my husband shows me love in a myriad of ways, too many to mention, honestly. But I had just performed a wedding in the morning, resigned from a job that should have been a perfect fit, and turned down one that would have required a LOT of reframing to find enthusiasm for. All of which left me feeling vulnerable, drained, curious about what's next, and untethered. And that's not a good combination for remaining stoic.

It's never been about the cost of goods. Women want romance. To this day, the very best "present" I've ever received, no matter the holiday, is the tree with a bright green ribbon tied around it. It told me that my heart had been heard, nurtured, and honored. I can go for a walk in the park any time I want and spend time with this special tree.

When I realized that I wasn't going to get a present of any type this year, I found myself in an honest-to-goodness juvenile meltdown. Passive-aggressive behavior was showing up everywhere, and it was really difficult for me to watch as my inner observer would fade in and out, trying in vain to remind me of what was truly important. Some perspective was reached, but ego is a cruel master and doesn't let go of the keys easily. It's very much like being on a ferris wheel...you get on, thinking that you'll enjoy the view from the top, but then you get stuck for a while. You get nervous, wondering if you'll ever get down, and then you gradually return to the beginning point. Eventually, you're allowed to exit the ride, only to come back for another later on. The size of my ferris wheel is gradually shrinking, but every now and then, I forget and get back on the big one. At least it has velvet seats... :)